The Players:
Bruce A
man of about 52
Herman
A man in his upper 50s
Sam A man about 70
years old
Nurse’s Aide (Rita) Young woman
of about 25
Nurse’s Aide
A male, about 30
The Scene:
The entire scene takes place in a hospital room on the
cardiac
care floor of a famed suburban
hospital. Everyone has either just
had or is waiting to have heart surgery. Each room has two beds
upstage against the wall. A night table is at the side of each bed.
Each patient has a television set he/she can watch. Herman spends
the entire play watching cooking shows on the TV in the room he
shares with Bruce. The remote control never leaves his hand. Bruce
can view everything on Herman’s TV.
Note:
Even the most serious situation has its comic moments.
* * * * * * * * *
Bruce
How can you watch those damn cooking shows all day long?
Here we are finishing up our low fat cereal
with our fat free milk and you keep watching those chefs clarifying butter,
frying in oil, cooking the dreaded red meat and roasting pork rinds. Fat’s
oozing from every recipe. The cheeses they use could clog anyone’s arteries.
You know we can’t eat that stuff. Why torture yourself?
Herman
It’s not torture. I ate what I wanted before and I’ll
eat what I want from now on. When you’re time’s up, it’s up. You may as
well enjoy yourself while you’re here.
Bruce
(Muttering to himself) Ach, what’s the use of talking to
that oaf. (To Herman) You know I figured out
the formula they use here. The less close to death you are, the uglier your room
gets and the less attention they pay to you. Did I tell you when I awoke after
surgery, I thought I was being kidnapped by aliens. The entire room was glass. You know,
you’ve been there. There I was in my bed with tubes coming out of every damn
crevice I had. Through the glass wall in front of me, I could see the
leaders.… aliens dressed in white uniforms with white caps. Each had a black
weapon around the neck. I was sure they were sitting in the center of the
ship’s command base. Computers, phones, and other strange monitoring devices
were all over the place. Little did I know it was the critical care unit and the
aliens weren’t aliens at all, just nurses. The weapons were stethoscopes. And
here I was sure we were going to go into warp and speed through a wormhole,
leaving suburbia forever.
Herman
Well, I’m glad you saw nurses upstairs ‘cause they’re a bit scarce here. Aides, there’s a lot of them. But, hey, who wants to get Aids……get it? (Herman stared at Bruce but there was no response from him.) Hey, buddy, they shoulda’ added a sense of humor when they added those new arteries. (Looking up at the television.) Ooh, Emil is on. God, he’s good.
Bruce
(Continuing his description as though Herman hadn’t interrupted him.) Boy, it felt good when they finally removed all those tubes from my arms and monitoring devices from my finger and chest. You know when they say, “Give me the finger,” they’re not talking dirty. It’s just another place to put some device. Oy, and that bag that they stuck you know where. Slowly, the ladies in white gave me back my humanity. I felt like Pinocchio must have felt when he became a real boy. I think the nurses know more of my parts than my wife does or even I do. It was kind of fun being up there near the command deck, though. Any move, any kvetch and there was the nurse. I felt like I had power. Course I was too weak to use it to any great extent, but…….
Herman
(Herman interrupted with great excitement and a big laugh.) Oh, geez, what a guy. Not only can he cook, he is soooo funny. He’s my favorite. Emil from New Orleans. A goddamn chef and he’s got his own TV show. Me, I got my own remote control and a valve that’s so bad it has to be replaced for the SECOND time. Oh look at that guy cook. The audience is eating him up. I love him. I do. And look what we had to eat. It didn’t taste bad, mind you. It just didn’t taste.
Bruce
Well, at least we’re alive to eat. So did you hear about
Sam? It’s strange what people tell you in is place. It’s like we belong to a
club….a unique community….The Damaged Hearts Club….we oughta’ start a
band. You know like the Lonely Hearts Club Band or whatever the heck that band
was. Anyway, Sam’s been telling everyone. He’s pretty chipper for a guy his
age. What do you think he is? 70? 75? Anyway, the doctor said he could be
treated with medication and with his age, why go through bypass surgery?
|Sam
(A voice can be heard yelling from outside the room.) You’re speaking about Sam again. Even from down the hall, I know. (Sam sticks his head into the room.) I always sense when I am the topic of the hour. Like radar, I hone in on any and all ‘Sam centered conversations.’ (Entering completely, Sam stops by the food cart that contains the breakfast leftovers. He nibbles on some of the uneaten meals that had, until he opened them, remained in plastic wrap.) Just like airline food, portions that can fill a cavity and not much more. So guys, what’s new here?
Bruce
Herman’s watching some cooking shows.
Sam
Nothing new there. Just biding my time until zero hour. Any lady chefs, Herm?
Herman
You’re a horny son of a bitch, especially for an old geek. So, how’re your pipes holding up? Heard you opted for the surgery. You think your old lady…or should I say young lady is worth it?
Sam
(Sam looked down at the floor.) Don’t make fun of me. She makes me happy. For as long as I’ve got, I want to be able to “keep up with her.” You know what I mean?
Herman
Ha, we know what you mean or at least I do.
Bruce
(If he could have, he would have given Herman a kick to try to shut him up.) Oh God, look at that cheesecake he just made. How do you watch this stuff? I used to love cheesecake along with hot dogs, peanuts, ice cream, pizza, burgers, fries…..guess that’s why I’m here now. My wife always said my eating habits left a lot to be desired. Guess things will have to change now.
Herman
Hey, enjoy yourself. You’ve got new arteries. Eat what you want. By the time they clog up again, you’ll be an old man. I don’t see the point of giving…
Bruce
(Jumping on Herman’s words) No, you wouldn’t. I could’ve dropped dead in the street. I was fortunate to have gone to the doctor when I did. I had absolutely no idea I was in such bad shape. I’m not a bible-toter and don’t know if I believe in the big guy in the sky, but I do know that I’m lucky to be here. It’s a bit scary to think I was supposed to be flying to Florida to visit my folks and instead found myself flying upstairs behind the glass walls of the alien spaceship. If I have to make adjustments, then I will. At least I’m here to make them!
Herman
And I tell you Sam, I wouldn’t go under no knife for no chick. If the
doctor said I could take pills, I’d take the damn pills.
Bruce
Shut up. Why don’t you take the remote and stick it …. uh, put it in your mouth. Look at Emil, watch him melt the goddamn fat in the pan. (Turning to Sam, Bruce says with compassion.) Sam, you do what your heart tells you to do. Don’t listen to this fool.
Nurse’s Aide
(She enters the room and the men stop talking) How’s everyone doing today? (Not waiting
for an answer, she continues speaking.) Time to take your stats.
Herman
Look, whata’ ya’ bothering us for? You feed us food I wouldn’t give my dog. You wake us at some God forsaken hour to give us sleeping pills so we can sleep; you prick us and poke us; you take our temperatures and our pressure. You keep taking our blood. What are ya, a vampire or something?
Nurse Aide
(Sweetly) Now, now, I’m here to make sure you’re all
feeling the way you should. (Looking at Herman)
You have to stay strong for your surgery. (Turning to Bruce.) And you have to
stay well so you can recuperate quickly and get out of here. (Back to Herman) If
I were a vampire, I wouldn’t use
needles and I wouldn’t come during the day. It’s the night nurses you should
be watching out for. (Brief pause) Juuuust kidding.
Herman
Argggghhhhh. You know, you have no finesse. Look at me, I’m turning purple. What am I, the first person you ever took blood from? Ooh, look at the fancy thermometer. I hope you’re gonna’ put it in my mouth and not up my………
Bruce
(Turning somewhat red from embarrassment.) Oh just let the girl do her job. If you weren’t sick, you wouldn’t be here. Let her help you. (The aide comes to Bruce and goes through the same procedure as she did with Herman.) Thank you, uh, (looking at her name tag) Rita. Don’t mind him.
Sam
(All the while, Sam stands in the doorway as Rita completes her chores. As she
leaves, she smiles at Sam and
wishes him luck.) Nice young girl. (Looking at Herman, who is back to watching
his cooking shows.) I don’t know why you had to chew her head off. She’s
just doing her job. Bruce is right. If you were well, you wouldn’t be here.
(Sam starts to go but instead turns back towards the men and speaks in a low
voice.) I’m going back to my room. It’s almost time for my tranquilizers -
helps keep the nerves under control. Got to rest up for my big event. Wish me
luck.
Bruce
Live long and prosper, Sam. My wishes are with you. We’ll compare notes after it’s over. (Sam leaves.)
Herman
(Muttering) Stupid old man. (Another aide enters and slowly helps Bruce out of bed for his “exercise.”)
Bruce
Going jogging, Herman. (Herman is glued to the television and doesn’t respond.) Let’s go and leave this guy with his chefs. Too bad they don’t show him a recipe for being human. (Bruce leaves with the aide.)
(Lights go down. Lights come up.)
(If preferred, a short intermission may be taken at this point)
The scene:
Two days later. Sam has had his surgery and is upstairs in
the Critical Care Unit. Herman is still awaiting his surgery as
more tests are continually being taken. As always, the television
remains on the cooking
channel.
Bruce
How can you watch those damn cooking shows all day long? Here we are
finishing up our low fat cereal with our fat free milk and you keep watching
those chefs clarifying butter, frying in butter, cooking the dreaded red meat
and roasting pork. Fat’s oozing from every recipe. The cheeses they use could
clog anyone’s arteries. You know we can’t eat that stuff. Why torture
yourself?
Herman
It’s not torture. I ate what I wanted before and I’ll eat what I want
from now on. When you’re time’s up, it’s up. You may as well enjoy
yourself while you’re here.
Bruce
(Bruce’s phone rings. He picks it up quickly. It’s his wife.) Hello? Yes,
the doctor was in early today, before breakfast, must be going golfing later.
Yes, I think I’ll be going home either tomorrow or the next day. Geez, one day
they’re shoveling pacemakers into you, transfusing your blood and tucking you
away on the alien ship, and suddenly they’re sending you home. Personally I
can’t wait to get out of here. (Listens to his wife on the other end but he
has trouble hearing her.) Herman, could you lower the volume? (Herman doesn’t
respond.) Herman, could you lower the volume? (Back to his wife.) What do you
mean you don’t want me home yet? Well, they’re not going to keep me here
because you’re afraid to have me in the house. I’ll try not to drop dead in
the living room. Okay? (Listens again.) I know, that wasn’t very funny, sorry.
(Whispers into the phone.) Tell you the truth, I’ve got to get away from this
nut with these cooking shows. If you could gain weight from watching food, I’d
be obese by now. I dreamt I was swimming in a big sauté pan with lots of olive
oil and butter. It was just me and the shrimp. I almost drowned. (Pause.) Try to
keep calm. We got this far, we’ll be okay. (Hangs up the phone and is quiet
for a few seconds. He remembers that Sam has had his surgery.) Hey, Herman.
(Brief pause.) Hope Sam is doing okay.
Herman
(Without taking his eyes off the television, he responds.) Eh, that old
fool.
Bruce
Maybe you wouldn’t have made the same choice he did, but can’t you at
least care about what happens to him?
Herman
How can I care about a guy that puts his life in jeopardy to please his
wife? She probably married him for his money and can’t wait for him to drop
dead. I don’t have patience for this foolishness.
Bruce
He’s a person who wants to share more good times with his wife and wants
to be able to please her. Whether she married him for his money or not, she’s
been good to him and has made him happy. He’s not a fool. She’s made his old
age pleasant and happy. That’s worth his money and his going through surgery,
at least it is to him. You wouldn’t understand that. No, you wouldn’t.
Herman
You’re right. I don’t get it. So, shoot me.
Bruce
(Muttering to himself.) The thought has crossed my mind. (To Herman.) Think
of it like this. The big chefs were up there in the operating room, the big
kitchen on the 10th floor. Their knives were sharpened. Sam was the
main ingredient. They were cooking up a way to give him a life that would be
longer and more pain free than if he just stayed on his pills. They were giving
Sam another chance at life, the way they gave me and the way they’re going to
give you. It was quite a recipe they put together, even Emil of New Orleans
couldn’t have cooked that one up.
Herman
All right. I don’t want the old guy to die. I just
don’t see the point. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t do the surgery but I
don’t have a choice just like you didn’t. He did. I don’t know if I would
go under the knife for my wife and I don’t think she’d do it for me.
Bruce
(Mutters softly.) That’s too bad.
Nurse’s Aide
(She enters the room and the men stop talking.) How’s everyone doing today? (Not waiting for an answer, she continues speaking.) Time to take your stats.
Herman
Look, whata’ ya’ bothering us for? You feed us food I wouldn’t give my dog. You wake us at some God forsaken hour to give us sleeping pills so we can sleep; you prick us and poke us; you take our temperatures and our pressure. You keep taking our blood. What are ya, a vampire or something?
Bruce
God, I’ve heard this before. (Raising his voice.) Just let her do her job. Rita, any word on how Sam’s holding up after his surgery?
Nurse’s Aide
He’s upstairs in Critical Care. You know the routine. I haven’t heard anything bad so I’m hoping that we’ll be seeing him back down here soon. Sam’s quite a character. I wish him well. If I can, I’ll check further and let you know.
Bruce
Thanks. (She exits.)
Herman
I think I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome. My hand is hurting me lately. Maybe when they put in my new valve, they can correct the hand problem, two birds with one suture. But first I gotta’ get a referral slip. (Laughs.)
Bruce
Maybe your hand would stop hurting if you put down that damn remote. Why not shut the television off a while or at the very least, watch some “cooking healthy” show. It might surprise you to know that you could get off the bed and walk around the hall a bit. (Looking up at the television, Bruce blurts out loudly.) Oh God, he’s putting a pound of butter in that cake! I feel my arteries filling up.